In the early years of my marriage, it was as if I had a hole in my heart. I couldn’t generate love for life or money. My wife hung in with me, loving me always, for 23 years, even though there was apparently nothing in it for her.
At that time I was not aware of the impact of vasanas. It was in fact the clearing of major vasanas or core issues that contributed to the breakthrough – the heart opening – on March 13, 2015.
But at that earlier time, I was a loveless being for most of my life. Not like I knew I was. Not like I knew what real love was.
I’d polished my constructed self about as much as I was ever going to. I mainly just wanted to be left alone to write. I became more and more frustrated and retreated more and more into the paradigm that anger, rather than love, gets you what you want. It never did.
So not a pleasant guy to be around for practically all the loving women in my life. I was probably about as automatic as they come.
Meanwhile everything that was happening for me was happening internally. My spiritual life was blossoming. Spiritual experiences were occurring right and left. The Flame in the Heart, the Highway to Heaven, the Universe Inside, the Silver Bullet – I named them all for memory’s sake. They would come and go.
I remember saying to myself that one moment of bliss in these experiences made many years of spiritual work bearable.
Fast forward to the near present after endless clearing of vasanas. My love for one woman was like a volcano. But it was focused on that one person only. With everyone else I remained a stick man. But at least I’d had that breakthrough. It started the glacier calving.
Added to that was an exercise that I’d been doing – raising love from my heart and sending it out to the world. And this exercise worked, where many have not. I began to feel real love.
Then came the heart opening on March 13, 2015. As I remember it, it began as a feeling of energy going up my leg.This could not have been my own kundalini because that would have started from the root chakra, not from my foot. It felt like it was coming from “outside.”
At first I was startled and then I relaxed upon thinking to myself that the Divine Mother was in charge and so why am I worrying?
When the energy reached my heart, there was a sensation as if a gigantic cork had exploded outwards. And the love flowed in a flood now.
This happened at 7 a.m. on a morning I was to have a reading with Archangel Michael at 10:00. I imagine there was no accident involved here. When the hour of the reading arrived, I was still immersed in a torrent of love.
AAM explained that the experience was a heart opening and said that the personal love I’d been experiencing was the precursor of this new breakthrough into impersonal love. He added that the exercise of bringing love up from the heart and sending it out into the world had greased the wheel.
Not everyone will experience a heart opening, as I understand it. One devotee will derive the same effect from seeing a brilliant Light. (And I’ll be sharing about an Australian friend who’s had that experience.) A bhakta or devotee may see the loving form of their Chosen Ideal. A jnani or student of wisdom will have a realization. I’m a student of consciousness or awareness and so I had an experience in consciousness. (This gives rise to perhaps a different meaning of “what you sow, you reap.”)
When I started writing this article I was not in the transformed space and I notice that I now am.
After the heart opening, for many months, love just flowed. And it was a love that made no distinction, what sages call impersonal or universal love. I loved everyone. Of course some people meant more to me than others. We had need to be together. But my love itself was incapable of making any distinctions past that.
So, for me, the heart opening of March 13, 2015 was like a watershed in my life.
I sincerely apologize to the many people for whom I was not present. I apologize to everyone who had to bear the force of my anger because my inability to love revealed me as such a beggar in matters of the heart. And I could not stand being seen in that light.
The bliss arises in me and settles me down again. I send my love out to all who hung in with me for so, so long.