I was musing on something this morning when I noticed a deeply-buried state within me. This is the second time this has happened in the last few days. (1)
Last time it was anger. This time it was a hungering for security. For a while I was most focused on experiencing the hungering. But then I noticed something. I had mentioned the word “security.” That implied that I had some knowledge of it.
So I asked myself to experience security and report on it. And memories flooded in, going back to nestling with Mother as an infant. I knew what security is.
Not only that – not only that I had a memory of it – but also I created the experience of security in this moment. I saw myself do it.
One moment I was feeling as insecure as I always do. Insecurity was a deeply-buried background state – the “background of obviousness,” “unconscious awareness,” Werner called it.
And then the subject of security was brought up and, in pondering it, I found the experience of security in my memory banks and created the experience of it – by an act of will.
Therefore, just as I am the source of love, I must also be the source of my own feeling of security. And it’s the feeling of security we’re all looking for, is it not? Never mind the baubles. How do we feel?
Let me recap on the levels of knowledge. The intellectual level has me get the idea of something but my comprehension remains cerebral. My writing is dry and at best conveys some useful information.
The experiential level sees me feel into things and flow with the feelings I observe, to get the experience of them, inside and out. The awareness path proceeds at the experiential level.
The realizational level sees one reach a deep understanding of the truth of something and experience a discontinuous improvement – usually a radical expansion – in the experience of love, bliss, and wellbeing. Vedanta, Zen, Sufism, all sincere spiritual paths proceed at the realizatiional level.
There can be minor and major realizations. (2) But each of them makes a lasting impact on us.
While I’ve had realizations – as we all have – I’m not in a realized state.
But I do create my feeling states. I see that now.
Tell me some bad piece of news and I’ll generate righteous indignation. Tell me some heart-wrenching story and I’ll weep.
And by the same token I create my own sense of threat and security.
My head is reeling from these realizations.
If I didn’t write these matters down, there’d be no record of them. The memory would be lost. My recall doesn’t extend beyond a few hours these days. Nor does that of many people around me. I’m taking these as Ascension symptoms.
Get it and lose it. Get it and lose it, Werner Erhard would say. (3)
Loss upon loss, Lao Tzu would say, until at long last comes rest. (4)
(1) the last time I noticed a deeply-buried vein of anger, that was always with me in the background and colored everything. Again my “scared wolf” look arises from this. The scared wolf captures the close relationship between fear and anger. The angry mind protects the fearful child. I traced it back to my Father and began another round of forgiveness work.
(2) The major realization we’re all headed for is Ascension, Sahaja Samadhi. It’s mukti, liberation from life and death, Fifth Dimensionality.
(3) When asked if the experience of “getting it” (realization) would last, Werner replied:
“The answer is ‘no’ – and ‘yes.’ ‘Getting it’ is not simply a ‘peak experience.’
“Ultimately, it is knowing from your own experience, that, whatever your circumstances, you have the power to transform the quality of your life at any moment of time.
“Thus, transformation or enlightenment is not merely a one-time event, but something which continues to unfold and be available to you as a part of everyday living.” (Questions people ask about the est Training. est, 1977, n.p.)
Transform the quality of our lives…. From insecurity to security?
(4) The Way is gained by daily loss,
Loss upon loss until
At last comes rest.
By letting go, it all gets done;
The world is won by those who let it go!
But when you try and try,
The world is then beyond the winning.
( Lao-Tzu, The Way of Life (Tao Te Ching). Trans. R.B. Blakney. New York and Scarborough:
New American Library, 1955, 48, 101.)