I continue to feel attracted to exploring the connection between (1) motivation and (2) feeling good.
The subject seems so obvious as to not be worth talking about. And yet it’s not. And, as an observable phenomenon, most of what it points to is buried in the subconscious, below our everyday awarenesss.
I’ve been watching myself and I observe that I like (and pursue) feeling happy/good/satisfied (I’m going to call it HGS, for brevity’s sake) and I dislike feeling unhappy/bad/dissatisfied.
I see that I do that which promises to have me feel HGS and avoid the opposite.
I observe myself being attracted to, I choose to have, I move towards that which has me feel HGS. I act to be, do, and have that which I think will induce me to feel HGS.
When someone said that we seek pleasure and avoid pain (perhaps Pavlov?), I think they expressed the deepest reason why people act, at the level of subconscious, habitual or automatic behavior. Not at the level of the conscious, which more likely reflects a soul urge. (1)
What do I find noteworthy about what seems obvious?
Well, I should acknowledge that, as a very young child and runt of the litter, I learned to survive, cope and prosper by taking exception to things, being a stick in the mud, throwing a spike in the wheel, etc. I was a walking “No!” and constant complainer. I was always right and always on about something.
I did not avoid pain, like the normal human being. I courted it. It was a red badge of courage.
Well, I reached the end of that road with the utter loss of any ability to love. So I know where it leads.
And now, more recently, having visited a higher state of consciousness that I call “transformative love,” which I’m told was at times Fifth-Dimensional and at other times Seventh Dimensional, I know now what I’ve been missing all my life.
I must have been a pretty dry intellectual to most people I was in relationship with. I apologize to those who had to bear with me. My behavior as a walking “No!” caused me to lead a loveless existence.
When I write about that higher love, I hear, in my mind, Jesus’ words: A man found a treasure buried in a field. He covered it up and went away.
Yes, I’ve had several experiences of the treasure buried in the field of the heart – either experiences of love itself, of the bliss it gives rise to, of peace, or of the innocence and purity of the Self that’s buried in “the seat of the soul”; that is, in the depths of the heart.
They were all impermanent and so the treasure could be said to have been covered up again.
I hear Jesus once more: The man went away and sold all he had and bought the field.
This is the view looking forward for me. We leave the experience behind, whatever it was, take what we learn from it, put aside all other desires (sell what we have), and follow the trail that leads to the realization of the Self and, beyond the Self, of the One (at which point we’ve bought the field). (2)
So I’m now going back to square one and asking myself, “What motivates me, then?”
And this is what I’ve found.
In my state of everyday consciousness, I’m motivated chiefly by a desire to feel happy/good/satisfied. If it reaches love and bliss, I’m ecstatic. But those days are largely now behind me. At the moment, as I reconstruct myself, I’m happy to simply feel HGS. Oh, and I should add, to mix a little more in society.
Just as we’re rebuilding Nova Earth, so I’m rebuilding myself. Just as we’re deconstructing what didn’t work for us, so I’m deconstructing what didn’t work for me – my automatic and habitual behavior. The foundation I’m pouring in – when I’m no longer automatic but awake – is happy/good/satisfied.
This is new territory for me. Einstein learned math late in life. I’m learning how to be a loving person late in life. I’m saying “Yes!” where until now I said “No!” I feel awkward, gawky.
I do understand that feeling HGS is only a waystation on the larger journey. Way after that is living in a permanent state of love and bliss while continuing to function in society.
That’s what I’m ultimately aiming for. That will be the ultimate skill to learn in reconstructing myself and playing a role in building Nova Earth.
What will allow me to live in a permanent state of love and bliss while remaining functional in society? That’s my question now.
What motivates my behavior at the conscious, rather than the subconscious, level is a soul urge. What is mine? An overwhelming and endless desire to learn.
(1) Notice that we have the situation seemingly backwards. We tend to think of the subconscious as being somehow deeper than the conscious. It is and it isn’t.
It does lie below our everyday consciousness. And it’s passed when we seek deeper levels of consciousness in the heart. It is shown to be just one layer, just one floor as we descend below it.
It’s a layer of habitual or automatic behavior, arising largely from vasanas. The vasana layer of consciousness, whose feature is automatic behavior, is in reality a superficial layer of consciousness that one encounters when diving deep into the heart with one’s imagination/awareness.
(2) I hear: No one comes to the Father except through me. No one reaches the One, except through the Self. No one can be a knower of God unless they are first a knower of the Self.