I’ve just invoked the Law of Sacred Purpose and my guides, Michael, and the Mother to gift me with an enormous amount of love right now as I make the transition from being in the red emotionally to being in the gold.
I’m making a shift from my default being blame, doubt, and pessimism to it being forgiveness, compassion, and gratitude. (1)
I’m getting a better understanding of Michael’s term “addiction to pain.” I’ve been addicted or habituated to habits of behavior that have only ever brought me and others pain. That’s their output and residue.
I’m addicted to them because of my unwillingness ever to have to endure some traumatic event I endured in the past.
That creates a vasana or core issue. If I’m vigilant and proactive, I won’t ever have to endure pain myself. Others perhaps, but not me. My vasana protects me.
Here’s what happened tonight – a rainy, blustering evening outside.
I was lonely and I decided I wanted a piece of pizza. That would definitely do it for me.
And on the way I shifted my feeling from loneliness to love. I began to love myself, as Kathleen recommends.
And then I observed myself falling back into some sort of default. And I saw that my default was in the red, in the negative. I was addicted to pain.
All my fatigue derives from it, all my despair and dismay. Garbage in, garbage out. As within, so without.
The payoff is that I get to be left alone – to write.
Nice, neat little package called “life.” Life in a bottle.
It’s like a Broadway play that will run as long as there’s an audience to see it. Once the audience stops coming, the play fades away.
OK, now I know the mechanism that lies below my suffering, my addiction to pain. I default to the negative; my residuum and desired outcome is pain and misery.
Games up when I become aware of my scripts and acts. Awareness is all that’s needed to have them subside. If I’m a participant observer in my life, this is the observer part.
Unlike the positive or divine states, the negative or dissonant states cannot last. They must be recharged on every occasion or they fade from memory.
I have to act them out, shout if they require shouting, be rude if they require that. Then they go back down recharged in memory and I am “stronger.”
The divine states will go, for sure – if we turn our face from them, if we abuse them, etc. But of their native nature, they’re eternal and therefore lasting. They need no recharging in and of themselves. We do, but they don’t.
On the one hand, our vasanas want to stay forever but subside if we simply observe them. On the other hand, the divine states will not remain if we abuse or neglect them but expand if we simply observe them.
Vasanas that come from the constructive side of life result in pleasing things coming our way; vasanas from the destructive side, unpleasant things. I can bear witness to that state of affairs. That’s what we come into life to experience and learn from, I think.
It’s a struggle to get myself to default to the positive. I have to acknowledge it. I am the last resistor. I will never forgive. I will never forget. I will always remember injustice, unfairness.
Nothing needs doing. I’m just aware of it all as it all floods back into memory, is observed, and is released.
(1) Kathleen’s formulation.