In Quiet & Stillness – Steve Beckow

Buddha’s Mom by Visionary Water Color Artist Meganne Forbes


In Quiet and Stillness

This transition that I’m going through continues. It’s like a snowball – decades of slow work on vasanas and now gathering speed.

I spent nearly six decades healing dissociation. Now I’m using a dissociative fantasy to provide leadership to myself, to assume command over myself.

I’m imagining that “I” am an older brother (Big Steve) and “Steve” is a younger brother (Little Steve). And I’m taking care of him, protecting him, organizing things, etc.

If I were to use other people’s terms for what I’m doing, I’m presenting myself through my Adult side (1)

In the course of this fantasy and with the consent of “Little Steve,”  I assume the mantle of command over the joint enterprise of him and me. Especially at key moments of emergency or crisis.

Whether “I” am a new face on the scene – it certainly feels as if I am – or just an adjustment to a pre-existing mix, I feel a part of me being supplied that has heretofore been missing – a note of self-command.

Remember that the Arcturians gave me the challenge of mastering every thought and feeling. This is me doing that. (2)

Not command over others, which is interimly and ultimately unsatisfying.

But command over oneself, over one’s ego primarily. And I now am starting to have that. It feels satisfying.

Self-command is an important missing piece in the healing of the Humpty Dumpty Man. (3) Command over myself has always been missing. I drift. I please. I follow other’s leads. Seldom do I experience myself as actually and satisfyingly leading in my life.

Again, as I said yesterday, this is all brand, new territory for me.  The path starts at the trailing edge of my leading foot.  Turn around. You can see the path behind you.  Look ahead. Nothing.

I’ve assumed command over myself, the only appropriate person I have the right to command.  That means command over my ego, my mind, my body, everything.

The ego is the only part of me that would contest the will. I’ve assumed command over the ego and I’ve been successful.

I’ve been riding the bucking bronco of a dissociative state for sixty-five years. Is this where it leads? A resumption of self-command, of command of the will over the ego? A taming of the buckaroo in me?

Well, if it is, there’s nothing more to say.  Endless chapters follow. But this is a fine plateau to have reached.

Let me experience the space of self-command in quiet and stillness – Or I may dance.


(1) Eric Berne in Games People Play set out three “ego states.” I’d prefer to call them “consciousness states.” They are Parent, Adult and Child.  “Big Steve” is my Adult consciousness state. Another name for it would be “Higher Self.”

(2) “You will be called upon to master EVERY thought and feeling.” (Arcturians in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Suzanne Lie, Nov. 8, 2013.)

(3) Enter the search term “Humpty Dumpty Man” in the site’s search box and “Categories.” Me in the later years of  my dissociative state I called the Humpty Dumpty Man.
Buddhas-Mom-by visionary Water Color Artist Meganne Forbes - female face child

Buddha’s Mom by Visionary Water Color Artist Meganne Forbes

Gratitude & Appreciation to all artists & photographers ~ Credit given where this is known. Any queries, please contact me, Shekinah


From Sad … and Mad … to Glad – Steve Beckow

The Last Song by Ina Wong @ DeviantArt


From Sad … and Mad … to Glad

As I reparent myself and make my transition from sad … and mad … to glad, my sensitivity to my feelings increases.

I become more aware of feelings that would have just been my “normal” back then. I was one compacted, compounded person.

At the same time, I’ve been looking through the scrapbook Dad prepared for his Mastery Class in the est Network. It’s helping me understand him.

One thing that communicated to me loud and clear was a cartoon near the front page. A frightened baby says, “What did I do now?”

I think that about sums up the contours of my Father’s upbringing, as he’s revealed it to me, and it certainly reflects how he was with me – supercritical, violent, disempowering.

This was all generational transfer, behavior that was handed down from one generation to another, time out of mind.

Time to put a stop to it.

The traits in myself are so hidden and automatic as to be almost invisible to me. They’re “just me.” But they exist just the same.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to like what was done. It just means that I let the other person off the hook for it because I now understand what the other person was dealing with.

Maybe studying my Dad’s scrapbook as a means of flattening this vasana will do me good. I’d like to rid myself of every vestige of father hatred.

Every vasana I take with me into post-Reval work will become magnified. It’ll become like velcro, snagging me, if anything is going to.

Hence my great incentive to work through as many of them as I can now.

Along with a heightened sensitivity to my feelings, the thought of the work down the road gives me strong incentive to be free of my vasanas and resentments, so I can begin afresh – with myself and others – in the midst of great challenges.

The amount of suppression and withholding I did in years gone by I could never stand doing today. I’d go insane if I tried to act the way I did several decades ago – unconscious, controlling, automatic. Oh my.

I don’t think I was ever as bigoted and undiscerning as Jared Yates Sexton portrays in “The Trauma of Toxic Masculinity.”  (1) I was more of Jared’s nature. And I can also be self-serving.

Dad had very few of the benefits I had in early manhood to pull himself out of his vasanas. He had the benefits later but not in his formative (young-adult) years.

I had the benefit of advanced schooling, the freedom to wander in the halls of Anthropology and Psychology, the benefits of wonderful growth-movement workshops throughout the Seventies, and an atmosphere in which personal responsibility was valued, (2) until the jobless Recession of 1982 killed the growth movement off.

But even after that, I had the benefit of enlightenment intensives (I took 23 within a short span of years).

I have the equipment and information I need to pull out of these family ways and strike out in new and (what the Buddha called) “wholesome” directions.  (3)

And I have the motivation.


(1) See Jared Yates Sexton, “The Trauma of Toxic Masculinity,” April 28, 2019 at

(2) Though the dynamics of working with personal responsibility could sometimes be different than today and could be considered offensive by some.

In encounter groups, we called each other on behavior. When called, the other person tried it on, tested it out, and owned it if it was true. After a while this procedure became routine. After a while as well, we called ourselves without waiting for others to do it

But today this procedure would be looked upon as blaming and a valuable tool is lost.

(3) The Buddha is reported to have said: “Do only wholesome actions, refrain from unwholesome actions, and purify the mind.”


The Last Song by Ina Wong @ DeviantArt

Gratitude & Appreciation to all artists & photographers ~ Credit given where this is known. Any queries, please contact me, Shekinah