Now or Never – Steve Beckow

faces 2 artist Aaron Paquette

Artist: Aaron Paquette


Now or Never

I continue to focus my attention on how I am with other people, especially in conflict.

I still spark and turn the other person into the enemy. I go out of relationship with them and break the connection over issues that arise.

Recently Fedex lost a parcel of mine and I could have used the occasion to blame and get abusive. And I didnโ€™t. (Iโ€™m immensely proud of myself, by the way.)

Thereย isย marked improvement. But nowhere near where I need to be to carry out my later, post-Reval responsibilities on the blog and in humanitarian philanthropy.ย  I canโ€™t afford to fall asleep during this precious time and not use it to prepare.

Among my noticings from observing myself, I can now see how fear underlies anger. Iโ€™m afraid of being criticized. So I make that into a fearsome weapon for those who use it and a dreadful fate for those against whom itโ€™s used.

Then at some point I get mad at someone else, feel justified, and use the weapon on them. And so the cycle persists. Intergenerational transfer.ย  Which stops here, by the way.

As I said in an earlier article, the process of being triggered through to responding happens in a microsecond.

I have to be vigilant just to see it and very strong, very much in self-command not to resort to it. I have to stop resorting to that process. Without putting anything in its place. Just stop.

This is where the rubber meets the road in self-reconstruction. Yes, Iโ€™m taking apart the constructed self, the mask, the self-image I built up over decades.

But Iโ€™m also reparenting, reprogramming the Child in me who resorts to habitual behavior which is destructive. Iโ€™m getting the habitual behavior pattern to stop.

If youโ€™re looking for a description of how a person can โ€œchange,โ€ Iโ€™m giving it to you as we speak. This is change. This is what it looks like. This is the level at which a person has to go to โ€“ short of going through a life-threatening experience โ€“ to effectively make a change in our self-presentation โ€“ the who we present ourselves as being. Are we in integrity? Are we even close to being transparent? Or not?

A car outside my window plays rap music much louder than Iโ€™d like to hear. My ire mounts.

I get constant opportunities like this these days to ask myself: Am I going to potentially jeopardize my mission over this issue?ย  Am I going to risk bringing disrepute on the Company of Heaven by my actions? No, Iโ€™m not.

To have the space to approach things like with this degree of concentration, I have to bring all other calls on me to a standstill. I have to concentrate. There is no way Iโ€™ll be able to do this after the Reval. Itโ€™s now or never.


Gratitude & Appreciation to all artists & photographers ~ Credit given where this is known. Any queries, please contact me, Shekinah

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