* * *
The Company of Heaven are continually asking us to drop anchor in Gaia, to send an energetic cable down to Gaia’s heart and there fasten it to her – in other words, to ground ourselves.
Viewed from another perspective, I notice in myself that, when I allow my center of gravity to rise up as far as my head, I also observe myself entering the emotional extremes. High center of gravity and extreme emotion seem to go together.
On the other hand, when I deepen my sense of myself, when I lower my center of gravity, when I anchor my sense of myself in my hara or sacral chakra and drop anchor in Gaia, I, the eternal observer, seem to innoculate my everyday self against fear. It distinctly sounds like the peaceful warrior side of me emerging.
Looking back on my life, I believe one of the features of my dissociation (1) was living a lot from this highly-strung side of myself. What made me successful or not was that I excelled in making myself appear right, after the fact. But it was an act, just to get by, to “pass” when I felt I had no firm sense of myself, no ground to stand on. (2) I don’t think I fooled anyone.
When the various sides of me came back together at age 58, I no longer felt afraid. But my habitual behavior pattern of unreasonable fear, (3) born of the shattering, persisted.
That did not pass away until the heart opening of March 13, 2015. And the Constant Comment born of the original shattering experience (4) did not disappear until Aug. 20th of this year. That’s my recovery time from character disintegration at an early age due to physical abuse.
Each time something comes back together again, I have to learn how to behave in the new environment I find myself in. Discovering I was dissociated, at age 40; coming back together again at age 58; feeling love for the first time on March 13, 2015 – all of these left me in a new world and required adjustment.
Oh, look. Now I’m smiling at people. Now I’m talking to people. I never did that before. I wonder what I should say? It’s as basic as that.
If I’m like a balloon, ungrounded and floating along on the breeze, well, I’m of no more use to Michael than if I were off meditating in a cave.
This lifetime is not about me. It’s about the fulfilment of the Mother’s Plan. No one needs to agree with me, but that’s the way I feel it.
Coming from that conviction, I call forth the spiritual adult within and begin to reparent myself.
Grounded is good. Grounded is neither a bad nor a trivial thing. Given that you’ve restored yourself to singularity, the next place to go is grounding. Even before you make new friends in your haste to explore the new territory.
Grounding. Grounding is next.
That feels good. Just by conjuring up an imaginary adult, I’ve pulled myself out of an upset. I’m restored to Self again, restored to normality.
If I’m going to be running a large enterprise, I’m going to need to pull myself out of my own upsets so all technologies are welcome. The better equipped I am to manage my self, the better prepared I’ll be for the challenges ahead.
(1) I shattered into a million pieces when my Dad yelled at me from inches from my face, at age 7. It took my fifty-one years to come back together again in the white heat of anger, thanks to my therapist brother Paul.
Until then I was the Humpty Dumpty Man.
(2) Having no firm sense of myself, no ground to stand on has always been the primary presenting symptom of my dissociation. There was no you around to make decisions, defend yourself, etc.
The ironic thing is that I now use creative dissociation – to wit, the use of the Commander, my spiritual-adult side – to heal my upsets.
(3) My wife used to say I had a sacred-wolf look.
(4) Classically, Constant Comment started as a guardian and ended as a guard. It started as an internal conversation which I felt was needed before I made another move because, after the incident, I was so unsure of myself.
I could not feel myself. I could not sense myself. It was as if a nuclear bomb had been set off inside of me, everything else was destroyed, and I alone had survived. I had no confidence in myself. I had to talk over every move with myself.
Gratitude to all artists. Any queries or information, please contact me, Shekinah